I'm Not Flat Chested
by queenofbitches
Summary: Most men know well enough to stay away from Haruno Sakura and her infamous temper. Gaara, however, is not like most men. Well. You know what they say. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorn'd. Gaara, unfortunately, is gonna learn this the hard way. Gaasaku
1. Men

A/N: Just trying out the Humor genre. I had fun writing this one.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Gaara, Sakura, nor any of her size B bras.

* * *

Sabaku no Gaara watched in mild amusement as the greatly-renowned and very talented medic, apprentice of the Godaime Hokage herself, stormed into the bar, her face every bit as red as her cherry pink hair. The medic hoisted herself up on one of the bar stools, her face in a furious scowl, and, with a decidedly bad-tempered air, slammed her fist on the bar and ordered a martini, which she then proceeded to down in one gulp.

On her third martini, the Kazekage distinctly heard the medic muttering sourly under her breath, "Flat? Me? _Flat?! _I think _not._" Then, with a sudden loud thump, she slammed her fist onto the bar, causing everyone else present to jump and dart nervous glances at her. "Ooh, that man! Am I going to _kill_ him!" she announced suddenly, shaking a fist at something in front of her that no one apparently could see, judging, thought the Kazekage, by the way everyone started and looked at her like she was raving mad, before they, very, very quietly, set down their drinks and started creeping for the door.

The medic, who was obviously in a foul mood, threw her head back and downed her forth martini in a row,while her face got distinctly redder and redder.

She hiccuped, spilling the contents of her martini down her dress.

"…Flat-chested?! How _dare_ he!"

Then she straightened, and called, "Oi, you!" She hiccuped again. Every male in the bar, including the visibly trembling bartender, stiffened. The pink-haired woman, who was, at this point, very, very drunk, stood up, swaying dangerously. "You over there!" Moving unsteadily over to a brown-haired man in a coat, who promptly wet his pants, she said, staring forbiddingly at him, "Yeah, you. Do _you _think I'm _flat_?"

The man gulped, sweat trickling down his brow, his eyes darting nervously to her chest and then back to her very, very red face. She loomed over him in a very threatening way.

"Well? _Do_ you?"

"N-no… miss. I d-don't… think so…"

"Eh?! You _lie! _I can see it in your eyes! You!" She swung suddenly, turning her attention to another man who had, at this point, almost reached the door. He froze in midstep, while the brown-haired man, relieved of the burden of her attention, fainted with relief.

She swayed drunkenly towards him, her knuckles cracking in a _very _ominous kind of way. The Kazekage watched as he grabbed the nearest chair to steady his trembling knees, which looked like they were about to give way, and flashed her a small smile of pure terror.

"Er… yes?" He managed nervously.

She leaned forward close to him, while he bent all the way back, her nose almost touching his. Ordinarily he would have been excited that such a beautiful lady was willing to get so close to him, but the crazy light in her eyes told him that, if he didn't get this right, he would wish he was born a girl…

"Do _you_ think I'm flat?"

"Er, no, miss, not at all… You have a…er… very voluptous chest…"

To his relief, she straightened, apparently satisfied, and he sank to the floor, his unfaithful knees unwilling to hold him up under the pressure.

The poor man watched as the crazy woman teetered back to her seat, halted undecidedly, then changed direction and started towards an unformidable looking red-haired man who had been, until now, sitting quietly in the corner.

"You!"

Gaara stared up at her, nonplussed. This woman had obviously gotten her temper from Tsunade…

"Do _you_ think I'm flat-chested? Do you?!"

Very calmly, jade eyes slid down to the region where, he supposed, her chest was located.

"If by flat-chested you mean lacking in cleavage, I am inclined to agree."

The temperature in the bar seemed to have dropped several degrees, and out of the corner of his eye, Gaara saw everyone duck down to hide under the nearest table.

The pink-haired woman swayed uncertainly, and blinked several times in confusion. Her alcohol-intoxicated brain was slowly processing what had been said to her.

Then it clicked. Her expression changed from one of confusion to fury.

"_WHAT?!_"

Abandoning all pretense, everyone made a run for their lives. Tables were upturned as everyone fought, punched, and kicked to get to the door.

It was every man for himself.

Gaara's attention shifted back to the pink-haired kunoichi in front of him, who was, at that moment, a ball of fury. He wondered mildly if he should have lied like the other men.

Her arm was raised, her mouth a grim line of concentration as she began focusing her chakra in her right fist. Men were all bastards.

And right now, she was going to make this one _pay._

Naturally, she was somewhat a bit too unfocused to notice that the particular guy that she was going to blow into kingdom come was not your run-of-the-mill idiot, but the all-mighty Kazekage Sabaku no Gaara, who was, at that moment, having second thoughts about the whole thing.

The kunoichi prepared to strike, her arm bringing down a power-packed punch and the heavy weight of a woman's wounded pride.

Sand grains sizzled out of his gourd as he tensed, ready to attack.

All hell broke loose.

* * *

A/N: So. How did I do?

Possible sequel, if I can figure out what happens next.

* * *


	2. Women

A/N: Well. I got a number of reviews- I won't say a lot, because let's face it, I'm not exactly a popular writer- requesting a sequel. So obviously I got down to business and wrote one. I'm actually curious to know what happens next… thought I'm not sure if it is up to par. You know, as good as the last one. So basically, it's your job to tell me how I've done.

* * *

_Oooh. Her head_ hurt.

Sakura prised her eyes open. The whole world had gone blurry, like a watercolor painting someone had spilled water on. Probably Naruto.

Her head gave another throb as she tried to focus. Hmm… blotchy reds and pale colors. Green? Yeah, green… eyes? A face? Familiar face. Very familiar. _Very_ familiar indeed.

Ok, wait. She knew this face. She knew it.

_Starts…with a G. Ah. Gah. Gaa-_

Oh shit.

The most powerful sand-nin of the land, Sabaku no Gaara, stared back at her.

Sakura choked back a scream. After all, no girl wants to wake up with the promise of a very sandy and painful death staring right back in her face.

_Better play dead._

She squeezed her eyes shut.

_Okay, I'm asleep. I'm still asleep. I've close my eyes. I can't see you, you can't see me, right? Basic logical thinking. Even _ostriches_ knew it. So Sabaku no Gaara, please, for once in your son-of-a-politican life, don't kill me… Just go away and leave me alone and I will be ever grateful... Just please, please go away…_

"I know you're awake."

Fuck. Well, at least she tried.

Sakura's eyes flew open, grinning nervously and trying to act as innocently as she could, all the while frantically searching for what to say next. Ha? You got me? How do you do? I'm Haruno Sakura? Don't kill me? I've seen the light? Do you like mushrooms? Let's face it, what _could_ you say in a situation like this?

She said the fi- okay, ninth thing that came to mind.

"Your hair is nice."

She instantly regretted opening her mouth.

Oh. Fuck. Where did _that _come from?

_Great, Haruno__, just great. You wake up face to face with the Kazekage of Suna, and the first thing you do is to comment on how you like his _hair_? What ever happened to professional etiquette?_

If Gaara had eyebrows, he would be raising them now. Instead, he opted for staring at her, taking the viewpoint that she could not have said it, because she was Tsunade's apprentice. So he could not have heard it, since she did not say it. And since he did not hear it, it never happened.

Sakura blushed bright red, and tried opening her mouth again. Her thoughts were a jumble.

"Ha, ittsbrlkjat."

And apparently, so was her mouth.

Gaara blinked slowly, and waited.

Sakura swallowed. God, her mouth felt like it was on fire! And her head hurted. And there was that strage, queasy feeling in her stomach that signaled to her that if she did not find a toilet soon, very bad things would happen…

"Uhh, what happened?"

Finally. She got something right.

Gaara said unblinkingly, "You got drunk and demolished a bar."

Sakura stared at him.

"Did you just say what I think you said?" she asked. "Because if you did, that can't really be possible, because I don't drin-"

Gaara sighed inaudibly, and flicked his eyes to the direction where, when she turned to look, the ruins lay. She uttered a little scream.

"Oh my god! That can't be- I couldn't have- it couldn't be- no, I didn't… did I?"

She turned her fearful eyes and looked at him.

Gaara stared back at her.

"Oh God! What am I going to do? I am _sooo _dead! I just demolished a pub! I destroyed it! This can't be happening! Tsunade will _kill_ me! It was her favourite pub!!"

Gaara continued to stare.

"How could this happen to me? To _me?_ I was Tsunade's best apprentice! The obedient one! I always always _always_ abide by the law! I turn my back on temptation- well, okay, I eat the occasionally chocolate bar- but I generally am very controlled! This isn't happening!!"

Gaara didn't move.

"I mean, I woke up just _inches_ away from Sabaku no Gaara's face and then I found out that I destroyed a bar! Could my day get any _worse_?!"

Gaara's frown deepened subtly. There was something in the way she said "I woke up inches from Sabaku no Gaara's face" that he didn't particularly like.

"Okay, relax. I gotta relax. The last thing I remember was… was, well, I was shopping with Ino, and we saw Sai, and I asked Ino if- if…"

Gaara looked at her carefully. Her eyes were widening in horror, and her face had turned so red that he wondered if she was going to blow.

"_THAT SON OF A BITCH!!_"

Gaara blinked. Well. That was unexpected.

"FLAT? ME?! FLAT?! I'LL SHOW _HIM_ FLAT! WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH HIM, HE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DISTINGUISH HIMSELF FROM A PANCAKE! YARGH!"

Sakura was on the verge of marching off the blow Sai into kingdom come when Gaara said, "Haruno-san. Please calm down."

She stopped in her tracks, full of righteous anger. Wait. Something happened after that… something momentous. What was it?

Gaara's voice… it sounded _familiar._ It reminded her of- of… come on, _think_…

The full force of the truth hit her, and she stilled.

Oh. My. God.

She… she'd asked _him_, Sabaku no Gaara, Kazekage of Suna, the renowned Wind Shadow, if he thought her boobs were big! He must think she was such a tart!

And then… _and then_, he said he disagreed! _He said she was lacking in the cleavage region!!_

Sakura reeled on the spot the way people tend to do when they are struggling to choose between two compulsive urges- to drop dead due to embarrassment, or to punch Gaara, who was staring at her in a rather worried way that only Gaara could do.

Turning on her heel, she pointed her finger at a nonplussed Gaara, spluttering, "Y-you…"

Pride won over dignity, and she picked the latter.

_"DICKHEAD!!"_

And launched herself at him.

Which, reflected Gaara as he defended himself from her pummeling blows for the second time that day, wasn't really a bad way to bond with a girl.

Sakura suddenly froze in midstep, her face a delicate shade of green.

Gaara paused and watched her concernedly.

"I don't feel so good," she said, and proceeded to throw up over his shoulder.

Well. He'd take back what he said. Women are all strange, difficult creatures.

* * *

kaname's harisen: Well, I did wonder too, when I was writing it. I admit I considered Naruto, but- well, I dunno, Sai seemed like the better choice. :)

Overlordofnobodies: Sorry, I didn't use your idea here. XD Admittedly it was kinda violent and M-rated, and I'm not really ready for it yet. Still, one of these days, I might give it a try.

A/N: Well? Was it okay? Admittedly Sakura did quite a lot of shouting here, and I worried for a while if she'd damaged her throat or something, but apparently not. As usual, possible sequel, if I get any ideas.


	3. Pervs

A/N: I'm 15! Okay, I was fifteen like, about ten days ago, but due to the untimely death of my grandma, I didn't have cake.

But I did have presents. Four, actually. All from relations and none from friends. So sad.

And, I know I must be really "the what" to say this, but can't my gran die _on _my birthday? That would have been _sooo_ cool. It would prove, once and for all, that my life is cursed.

But she had to die two days _before_. I'm not lucky, but neither am I cursed. I'm just…boring.

Man!

And I have, in response to alana124pyro's request, made this chapter longer.

Happy reading.

* * *

"What the _hell_ are you doing?!"

The pink-haired figure turned her head reluctantly towards the source of the voice. "Hi Ino," she said tonelessly.

The blonde kunoichi put her arms on her hips and glared up at Sakura, who was, of all things, up on a tree. "What the fuck are do you think you're doing? Get down here _right_ now!"

Sakura scowled. These people! What was so _wrong_ about her sitting in a tree that practically _everyone_ had to come and lecture her? Trees were public property, right? She was _free _to do whatever she liked! And currently she just felt like hugging a tree! Was that so wrong?

"Ino-pig," she grumbled. "None of your business." And she turned back to face the tree she currently had her arms around.

On the ground, Ino rolled her eyes. "I certainly think it's my business to know if my best friend has had a change in sexual tastes and has decided that trees turn her on."

"God! What is wrong with you people? Am I not entitled to a little tree-hugging? As far as I know, the tree's not complaining, right? It probably even likes it! It loves my company!"

Ino folded her arms. "Now, are you coming down, or shall I have to go up myself to get you down?"

Sakura scowled. "Make me."

Ino gave an exasperated sigh. "Okay. Whatever. Either you come down now, or I'll go get Tsunade."

Sakura pouted.

"I'm going now," warned Ino. Sakura's eyes widened. "One, two-"

"IgotdrunkandaskedGaaraifmyboobsweresmallandhesaidyesandthenIgotmadanddestroyedapub!!" Sakura wailed.

Ino relaxed. "Is that all? Thank God. I seriously thought you went pyscho and fell in love with a tree there.

"What do you mean, is that all? I just told you my darkest, deepest secret and all you can say is _is that all_?!"

Ino rolled her eyes. "Let's face it, it's not exactly, like, a life-threatening dilemma or anything. I mean, he's _Gaara_. Why are you worrying about what he'll think of you? If it was Sasuke I'll _totally _understand… besides, why did you go and do such a stupid thing as that?"

"You mean asking his opinion on my breasts?"

"_No_, I mean getting drunk in the first place! Was that where you went when Sai insulted you and you left in a huff? The pub?"

Sakura turned back to face the tree. "…Yeah."

"Well, you should know well enough by now not to listen to anything that he says! After all, nothing of what he says is true-" Ino paused and surveyed Sakura critically. "Well, the whole you being 'flat-chested' comment was, admittedly, somewhat on the mark, but the rest of it…"

Ignoring Ino, who was blabbering on, Sakura turned to the tree and told it, "My life is _ruined_."

The tree didn't reply.

Sakura sighed. She had a lousy life. You get drunk in pubs and make a mess of yourself, and even trees don't symphatize.

"Besides, why are you up there?"

Sakura turned to look at the blonde kunoichi on the ground. "I'm avoiding Gaara and Tsunade," she said. "And nothing you say can make me come down."

Ino looked curious. "Avoiding Gaara?"

"Yeah."

"In a tree?"

Sakura paused to think. "Well, you've got a point."

Ino snorted. "Like, whatever. You're very impulsive, aren't you? And why are you hiding from Tsunade?"

Sakura's face grew dark. "You know the pub that I destroyed?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, let's just say she probably won't be getting any of her supplies of fine quality brandy anytime soon."

Understanding dawned, and Ino looked shocked. "_Ohh_. You are _so_ busted."

Sakura moaned. "I know."

"But, she's probably gonna get all the more angry if she hears this from anyone else but _you_."

"Well, I certainly don't want to be around when she finds out. She'll _kill_ me."

"Don't you get it, Sakura? It'll be better if you told her yourself-"

"…rip me from limb to limb… torture me to the brink of insanity…"

"-than if she heard it from someone else! Sure, she might be pissed-"

"…pick my bones clean and grind them for flour… make me suffer in pain…"

"-but at least you're willing to come clean! She might just forgive you! Have you been listening to what I said?"

"…tear my flesh apart to feed the vultures- huh? Oh, yeah, I heard you."

Ino rolled her eyes. "So duh, go and tell her! I generally prefer my best friends to be alive and not, say, a pile of bones in the earth!"

Sakura moaned, and slid to the ground. "Don't remind me."

* * *

"You _what?!_"

Sakura winced. God. How many times did she have to say this?

"I…um, got somewhat- well, just a _little_ drunk, and, well, I kinda _accidentally…_ smashed a few walls down…" She stole a look at the Hokage, who was, at that moment, looking decidedly thunderous. She did _not_ want to be here. "I'm _really_ sorry. I swear, I'll pay for the damages! And I'll help rebuilt it!"

Sakura shot a dirty look at the red-headed figure standing in the corner. Couldn't he at least help her out a little? Jerk. He'd been standing in Tsunade's office when she entered and told her that she had a little confession to make. Tsunade had, of course, dismissed him, but with that calm, stoic expression that Sakura was beginning to find _very_ annoying, he said, "I should stay. I believe that Haruno-san's confession may involve me."

Fucking asshole! Hah! He probably just wanted to gloat when she was being yelled at by Tsunade. No matter what they said about him being totally reformed- she wasn't buying it one bit. Murderer or no, he was still a jerk. She could _swear_ she just saw him smirk at her!

Tsunade sigh as she massaged her forehead. "And why exactly, may I ask, did you take it into your mind to, as you so aptly put it, 'smash a few walls'? Never mind," she continued briskly when Sakura opened her mouth to answer, "I don't want to know. I'll pay for the damages. But I do not want anything of the sort happening again, you understand?"

Sakura looked appropriately abashed. "Yes, shishou."

Thank god, thought Sakura as she walked meekly out of Tsunade's office. The Hokage hadn't asked exactly what part did Gaara play in it. She'd rather forget it ever happened.

Well, that was all the loose ends. All except one…

Sakura glanced nervously at the retreating back of the Kazekage. She could not, she knew, just _leave_ it, as it would haunt her forever every time she saw him. This way, she could at least settle the scores…

She strode forward to him and, before she could talk herself out of it, cleared her throat loudly to annouce her presence.

"Kazekage-sama?" She asked primly, as the red-headed turned to look at her. "My sincerest apologies for… the past events. I acted irresponsibly and completely out of line. So will you allow me to treat you to dinner? Strictly on a professional basis, of course."

_Please say no,_ she begged him silently. _Just please, please say no and we can _all_ go home happy… and no one will be able to say I hadn't tried…_

Clear jade eyes looked her up and down, and heedless to all her silent pleas, said, "It will be my pleasure." Then he walked away.

Sakura blinked. It had all been out of courtesy! He wasn't _supposed_ to accept! He was supposed to go, "Oh sorry I have this blah-de-blah-blah meeting and then avoid her like the plague! This shouldn't be happening!

But, as she was learning, with Gaara, mere supposing wasn't any good. He just didn't follow the unwritten rules like anyone else.

If her life had been one big movie, she would have collapsed to the floor, going, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" But sadly, it was not, and she had to make do by going, "Oh, fuck."

She was _dead_ meat.

* * *

Sakura sat at a table, staring nervously at her dinner partner, feeling somewhat…awkward. She'd spent the past few hours admiring her reflection in front of the mirror- soft layers of cream-coloured silk that fitted her purr-fectly, sweet! Though naturally, she had the foresight to slip several shuriken into her dress, hidden in all sorts of unlikely places, such as the hem of her skirt and the, well, admittedly sort of roomy space in her chest region. But whatever. A girl had to be prepared. After all, she _was_ dealing with Gaara here, and although Naruto might trust him, she thought different. The weapons were just… insurance. Like, if he should turn out to be completely insane or go berserk suddenly. Or something.

And she hadn't forgotten that _insiduous_ remark regarding her chest. Lacking in cleavage, indeed!

Kages, Sakura was quickly learning, did not make very good dinner partners. Or at least, this one didn't.

She'd never met a more unscintillating conversationalist. All her attempts to start up a conversation got washed down the drain, and she was finding the silence a wee bit suffocating.

Rule Number One when talking to people, she told herself, was to find something in common that we can both relate to.

And if there really was nothing in common, you improvise.

She stared doubtfully at the less-than-appetizing meal that her dinner counterpart had ordered. It looked like some kind of slimy slug.

"So!" She said in a desperate attempt at cheerfulness, "You like gizzard tongue?"

Gaara gave her a careful look. "I must admit I find it satisfying."

"Well, what do you know, so do I! I absolutely _adore_ gizzard tongue!" Whatever that is, she added to herself.

Gaara remained silent.

Oh, what the hell. "In fact, I love it sooo much, I'm going to order it as well! So there! I mean, ha! Ha! Haha!"

"Ha," Gaara intoned.

"Waiter!" She turned around, waving, somewhat aware that a small part of her brain, the more sensible part, was telling her to shutupshutupshutup…

"I'll have some gizzard tongue, please!"

Oh well. She just sealed her fate. She just wished her tongue had talked it over with her brain before it started wagging about. Stupid tongue.

"So," she said to Gaara, resting her head on one hand. "What is it that you like about gizzard tongues? The texture? The taste?"

Gaara gave her a strange look. "The taste, presumably. I do not really take pleasure in eating. I merely see it as a need that requires satisfying."

What? What had he meant? Oh, hell.

"Well, personally, I love the texture best. It's so firm, and light, and…" She trailed off, eying Gaara's plate suspiciously. "…slimy, and cold, and weird-looking- I mean, good-looking! Yeah! Gizzard tongue looks good!"

When he did not comment, she made another stab at conversation. "Do you like all tongues, or only gizzards'? I enjoy trying all sorts of tongues. Snakes, chickens, you name it!" Sakura paused, and ran the last sentence through her head again. Wait, since when had she liked tongues? Did chickens even _have_ tongues?

At _that_ moment, her order came, and the waiter set her plate in front of her with a twinkle in his eye. "Enjoy."

Oh, fuck. Fuuuuuck.

She just dug her own grave.

It looked… well, there was only one word for it- disgusting.

There was this mass of… slimy, icky things all covered in brown with the occasional piece of broccoli.

She almost said, "Am I supposed to eat _that?!_", but managed to stop herself in time.

She glanced at Gaara. "This, umm, looks delicious!" she cried happily in a nervous sort of way. "Yummy!"

Gaara didn't reply.

"Umm, well, I guess now I have to eat it!" Shit, she was blabbering. Somebody stop her stupid fat tongue!

_Ooookay_, this can't be _that_ bad. If it really was, they wouldn't have made it _legal_, right?

She eyed Gaara nervously. He _was_ eating it, and he looked fine… as in, he hadn't broken out in warty long tentacles- yet.

Sakura gave an inward shudder as she turned to stare at that-gross, icky- simply delicious- _thing_- delicacy on her plate. And gave Gaara, who was watching her carefully, a nervous grin.

"Well, haha, here goes nothing!" _God help me,_ she added silently.

She cut herself a portion of the squelchy mass, closed her eyes in silent prayer, and… put it inside her mouth. And chewed.

_Ewwewwewwewweww…_

It tasted _horrible._ Like some slimy, icky slug in her mouth…

She forced herself to swallow, and almost choked. It tasted so _bland_!

_Eww. I can't believe I just ate a tongue of some animal I don't even know._

God. Water. She needed water.

She grabbed the nearest cup on the table, and downed it in one gulp, while Gaara watched with some measure of curiousity.

Sakura finally surfaced for air, choking. With tears in her eyes, she told her dinner partner, "Umm… that was… yummy! Wasn't it?"

Gaara coughed politely. Not that he had much experience, but Naruto's friend was definitely as strange as they come. She'd just eaten something she obviously did not like. Not to mention that glint that caught his eye in the strangest of places…

Sakura was, at that moment, eying the rest of her dish with a certain amount of fear. No way was she eating the rest of that…

"You look very beautiful tonight, Haruno-san."

Gaara's unexpected compliment caught her of guard, and she found herself turning red with pleasure.

_Oh! How sweet of him! I can't believe I thought he was a jerk. He's a perfect gentleman!"_

She beamed at him. He wasn't so bad, after all.

"Why, thank you, Kazekage-sama," she said sweetly.

Gaara was, at that moment, rather pleased with himself. Kankuro had, after hearing what had happened in the bar, burst out into convulsive laughter, between which he'd managed to say, "You don't-hahahaha-just-ahaha- _tell_ her that! You gotta-hahaha- _please_ her! Tell her what she wants to hear!"

"But that would have been lying."

Under his brother's formidable glare, Kankuro choked back a laugh, and said, "Yeah, but when it comes to _women_, it's all about lying smoothly! Tell her she's hot, even when she's not! That, or end up a pancake on a pavement. Trust me, I know."

When Gaara remained silent, Kankuro continued, "Listen, bro. I know you're not really good when it comes to the ladies and all that. So I'm giving you some expert advice: Tell her stuff that makes her happy. Stuff that she wants to hear."

Gaara frowned. "Would that mean that Haruno-san would want to hear that she has ample cleavage, despite it being untrue?"

Kankuro snorted, and said, "Yeah, it would."

In the light of this, Gaara decided that another compliment would certainly please the pink-haired kunoichi.

"You have very big breasts."

Sakura's smiled froze on her lips.

"What?" She asked intelligently.

Gaara blinked, and repeated what he said.

"I think that you have very big breasts."

"_What?!_" Sakura began to choke. "What did you say?"

Gaara stared at her curiously. She did not seem really pleased. In fact, she looked rather… shocked.

_Oh, God! How could she have thought he was sweet?! He was a perv! Gaara was a _perv!

"You're a perv!" she accused him.

Gaara blinked. This was not going as well as he'd expected. "I beg your pardon?"

"Asshole! Was that what you've been doing, staring up the front of my dress while I was eating? What kind of Kage _are_ you? You are such a sick pervert!"

She stood up angrily, much to Gaara's bemusement. "And I _hate_ gizzard tongues! I'm not eating another tongue in my life! It was disgusting! _You're _disgusting! Goodbye!"

She straightened her dress, shot him a dirty look, and flounced off.

Gaara blinked. Did something go wrong?

He looked down and fingered the shuriken which he'd relieved the kunoichi of when she wasn't looking.

Funny, but he was sure girls didn't normally carry weapons between their breasts.

* * *

alana124pyro: I certainly hope I made this chapter as "awesome" as the last. And long enough, too. XD

kaname's harisen: Thanks. I supposed it _is_ kinda rushed, especially when she spun from wanting to smash Sai to wanting to kill Gaara. I tried to take my time with this one, though.

Cheekydemon: Oh yess, he _is_ hot! High-five!

Rohain Tahquil: Sorry I didn't use your idea here. But when I got hit with the "You have big breasts" thing, I really couldn't resist.

* * *

A/N: I love Gaara! He can be so clueless! I was somewhat doubtful about the first part, though. It seemed rather OOC of Sakura. But I couldn't bear to delete it.

And to be honest, I have no idea what a gizzard is. Nor how its tongue looks like. I was merely assuming that a gizzard's tongue, like so many other tongues I have seen-and that would be very many indeed, due to the strange compulsion of the boys in my class to stick their tongues out at each other- that it should look all slimy and gooey. It could probably be a fried tongue-on-a-stick kind of dish that Gaara likes, or tongue pie, or tongue flavoured crème bulee. I'm just guessing here.

Did I mention that my birthday song was sung in a dingy café on a dank morning by my half-hearted dad and bro over four bowls of laksa? Dad claims it's the best laksa in the whole of Kuching, but still.

I want cake. :(

And as usual, possible sequel. I have this idea stewing in my mind…


	4. Aliases

A/N: Seriously. I reread the previous chapters of my fanfics to get the _feeeel _of them, and, well, I noticed something which I totally have to point out to you guys-

What did you guys ever see in them? They seriously _suck_.

Big time.

I'm _so_ totally gonna revamp them… when I have time. And delete some. Also, when I have time… They've got to go.

I mean it.

Gah.

And on with the story.

(One more thing. Kisafan was kind enough to point out to me that gizzards were parts of chickens –O.o- and, as such, would not have tongues. It was about then when I realise I'd messed up- I had totally read Gaara liking _lizard _tongue and _gizzards_, not gizzard tongues. I seriously ought to have done my research properly.

Whatev. I'll correct it… sometime.)

* * *

Sakura knocked.

"Naruto?" she called.

Through the door, she distinctly heard someone on the other side utter a few choice swearwords, hiss, "Oh no, she's here!", trip and fall over, and scuffle around hastily in an attempt to hide _something_ that particular someone knew she would probably disapprove of.

She turned her eyes heavenward and prayed to any deity who might be listening that the particular _something_ did not involve underwear of any sort.

"Uh… come on in, Sakura-chan!"

She turned the handle and entered. And, as a gag reflex, choked on the smell that came wafting past her sinuses, which basically consisteted of old ramen, sweat and the odour of clothes that had forgotten how the insides of a washing machine looked like- which, of course, pretty much told her all she needed to know- she was on Naruto's territory.

Out of the corner of her eye, she thought she saw him tuck something rather hastily away underneath the sofa.

Something that looked _very _familiar.

_Oh no he didn't…_

But the sight of the person standing next tosaid sofa drove away every single thought in her head. He probably stopped her thinking, period.

_Oh. My. God._

"Heey, Sakura!" Naruto said in the rather loud tone he generally used when he wanted to wheedle his way into a free ramen dinner, out of a particularly difficult situation, when he wanted to hide something, or just plain wheedle. "Nice of you to drop by! It so happens I have a good friend of mine here-"

_No. _No. _NOO._

"-who dropped by to see me just now-"

_God. No. Of all creatures great and small-_

"-he's rarely in Konoha, seeing how he spends all his time in Suna-"

_No. Please. This can't be happening. God, please._

"But you guys have probably met a couple of times-"

_I'm begging you. Seriously. In the name of the Father-_

"What with the Chuunin exams and the Shittenshounin, and all-"

_-the Son-_

"-but I'm sure you've never been properly introduced. This, Sakura, is-"

_-and the Holy Spirit._

"Sabaku no Gaara!" Naruto grinned.

_Amen._

Sakura swallowed.

"He's a boy," he added helpfully.

Cool eyes observed her while she struggled uncomfortably. God, how should she act in such a situation? Fuck, she called him a _perv! _To his _face!_ And it wasn't like he didn't deserve it, either…

Well. She could, a) Pretend it never happened, and prayed that he played along. b) Hate him because he was a perv, and tried to stare up her dress, and avoid him like the plague. c) Apologise for the previous incident, and hoped he didn't kill her.

Sakura gave all her options consideration. None of them appealed to her.

There was, however, always a d)…

"Oh, hi, Gaara-who-is-a-boy!" she said brightly. "It's _really_ nice to meet you! I'm, umm, Ino, by the way," she said, leaning over and offering her hand. She thought for a while. "_Yamanaka_ Ino. I'm a girl." She punctuate this with a very bright, cheerful smile.

He watched her, mildly nonplussed. "I know," he said. "We've met. But strangely enough, you were called Haruno Sakura then."

_Damn…_

"Huh?" Naruto's expression turned into one of confusion. "What are you getting at, Sakura?"

Sakura, who's smile was getting a tad bit desperate, went, "Oh, what _he _meant was, umm, what Naruto meant was, sometimes they call me Sakura. It's my nickname! And, err, no, we haven't met! Of course we don't know each other, haha." She paused slightly as to think, and the fake smile plastered on her face grew a little bigger. And a little more strained. "I think you must have meant, the, umm, _other_ Haruno Sakura. She's a medic, too, like me-"

Naruto, who had been watching the exchange with growing confusion, interrupted. "What do you mean, the other Haruno Sakura? As far as _I_ know, there's always been only one-"

Sakura elbowed him, hard, and shot him a death glare that said something along the lines of 'If you don't shut up _right_ now, dumbass, you shall die. A horrible, long, drawn-out death.'

Naruto had not spent all those years with Sakura without learning anything. He shut up.

She grinned horribly at Gaara, who was watching with mild amusement. "What _he _means is, of course, we're identical twins! Me, and, err, the _other _Sakura. Umm. Yeah. _Everyone_ gets us mixed up! But you shouldn't, because _she_ happens to be my _evil_ twin! No relation at all!"

"But if you were twins, why would you have different surnames?" Gaara looked politely blank, and, she noted rather desperately, amused.

She began to despair. And that was where complete and utter lunacy began.

She spun a tale worthy of Scheherezad herself, telling of a clandestine affair between her mother and her forbidden lover-

"- she loved him, and he really loved her back, yet they despaired, for they were never destined to be-"

-wherein she got pregnant with, umm, Yamanaka Ino and Haruno Sakura. And, err, her father found out, of course, and filed for divorce-

"- he was horrified beyond belief, his heart felt like it was being ripped apart in his chest-"

-but he wanted the children, and when the twins were born, each side agreed to take one, and, umm, raise it as their own. And, oh, her other twin grew up to be _evil_ and mentally _deranged _person…

"…so you _really _shouldn't take her words by heart, because she _honestly_ doesn't mean them. And they honestly aren't true. So…" she trailed off, and looked up at him. "You wouldn't _kill_ her, would you? Because, you know, evil though she may be, she really doesn't mean it." Sakura thought for a while, and to make it sound more plausible, added, "Speaking on her behalf, strictly as her twin, of course. I mean, haha, I wouldn't want her _killed_ of course!"

Her expression had begun the slide from desperate to hysterical.

Gaara gave her a long, searching look. "…Hn."

Sakura began to sound a little frantic. "You don't believe me? Why wouldn't you _believe _me? I mean, _everything _I've said is true. Right, Naruto?"

She elbowed him another time, and Naruto, who'd been goggling at her curiously, went, "-what? Oh. Yeah. Of course. What you said."

Gaara gave her look that- was it just her imagination?- was tinged, ever so slightly, with amusement. The corners of his lips tilted upwards in what she thought _looked_ like a smirk.

"If you insist, Yamanaka-san."

Sakura felt her face going red.

_Oh God! He doesn't believe me! And I can't believe I've just gone and made a complete and utter _fool_ of myself just now!!_

_God. Someone kill me now._

* * *

In the span of the week, she was about to give up on the whole thing, and let nature take its course.

But of course, it was just human nature to struggle for survival. After all, who wants to die when you're just sixteen?

But surely survival shouldn't be so _hard_. She had, for that week, begged, cajoled, pleaded, threatened, bribed, forced and blackmailed people into calling her Ino. For, oh, just three weeks while _he_ was here for some stupid Suna-Konoha Treaty of Friendship and Commerce Conference thingy.

Her friends' reactions, were, unsurprisingly, largely varied. And also wholy incredulous.

Take Naruto's reaction, for example.

"What was all of _that_ about, Sakura-chan?"

"Nothing! I mean, when I say _nothing_, obviously there's something _very_ important, but I _really_ can't tell you about it. But would you please, please, _please_ play along and call me Ino? Please? Just for three weeks?"

"Three weeks? That's kinda a long time… and it's kinda hard thing to remember…"

"Oh, _God_, dumbass. Would you just say yes already?"

"You know, calling me dumbass really isn't helping matters. Hey, if I do that, will you treat me to ramen every night for the, say, month? And, umm, will you be my girlfriend?"

"_NARUTO!!_"

"All right, all right! Just a suggestion. Say, how about one week?"

Or, of course, you could try Ino.

"You want me to _what_?!"

"Ino, I swear, it's only temporary. For three weeks. Please?"

"You want me to- to _create _another alias for _three _whole fucking weeks? And let _you_ be _me?_"

"Well… yeah."

"No way. No fucking way."

"Aww, c'mon, Ino, he might _kill_ me. He just might! Surely my life would mean more to you than your pride?"

"Serves you right for calling him a perv. Even _I_ wouldn't have been stupid enough to insult a ninja who is not only higher than you in rank, but also capable of squishing you to a pulp, too."

"God, Ino…"

"All right, all right, I will! But mind you, it would be nice if I got that really pretty dress we saw when we went window-shopping last Saturday for Christmas…"

Or Kiba.

"Dude. Why the fuck would I bother?"

Seriously. If this kept up, she was going to be dead broke.

As in, _dead_ broke.

Sabaku no Gaara would so totally see through her oh-so transparent disguise, and Sabakau Sousou her to her imminent- and very painful- death. _He_ wasn't going to get fooled by some stupid crap story she made up due to temporary mental failure caused by inhaling the disgusting fumes of Naruto's apartment.

On the other hand…

Well, it had been almost a week now, and she'd managed to survive without too many people going up to her and saying, "Hey, _Ino_," right to his face- because, yes, dammit, that son-of-a-sex-god was definitely sticking around. He came over to Naruto's whenever he wasn't tied up in some stupid meeting, and guess who got stuck with babysitting the two? – in a really meaningful way.

Oh, god. She was _so_ fucked.

As Shikamaru had been nice enough- and asshole-y enough- to point out, "Why are you going through all that trouble? It's only a matter of time before he finds out, anyway…"

Which she, of course, punctuated with a death glare.

Because he wouldn't find out.

Not if she was very, very careful…

* * *

She had _fully _intended on keeping away from the notorious two for the whole of the time when he would be around, but she was not given the chance. Not especially, of course, after the Incident, where Naruto had, in an effort to make Gaara more "manly", persuaded him to indulge in one of his favourite pastimes which just _had_ to be picked up from hanging out with Jiraiya…

… which just happened to be spying on young women in the bathhouse.

Uhhuh, you read that right.

It was not until after young, semi-naked women burst out screaming from the Konoha bathhouse, leaving behind a drooling, horny Naruto and a somewhat nonplussed Gaara that Tsunade foresaw the potentially disastrous outcome of their getting together, and charged a horrified Sakura to keep an eye on them for the next few weeks.

"Y-you can't be serious, shishou!"

The Fifth Hokage watched grimly while scantily-clad girls in towels erupted screaming in all directions, while some attempted to mutilate a somewhat unfocused Naruto. "Yes, I'm afraid so." She turned to face Sakura. "Forgive me for throwing you into this, but-" She gave an exasperated sigh. "One can just imagine the antics those two will get up to, especially when Gaara sees Naruto as something like a role model…" She shot Sakura a crooked smile. "We won't want him to turn into a pervert, would we?"

Sakura muttered her agreement reluctantly. _If you only knew._

* * *

Of course, this would mean that Sakura was _forced_- completely, totally against her will- to follow them about. She was also charged to check on them regularly- in case they were up to something that they were not, strictly speaking, supposed to be up to.

Such as reading dirty porn magazines with titles such as "Icha Icha Paradise".

Well, she'd sorta known it, when she saw Naruto slip it underneath the sofa. But the shock of seeing Gaara had completely driven it out of her mind- until now.

She'd come across the two of them in the park, Naruto sniggering while showing Gaara something. Instantly, all her lady sensors were abuzz.

This was not good.

"What," she said sharply, "are you two doing?"

Naruto jumped, turning, and said, "S-Sa- I mean, Ino! H-hey!" She caught sight of him trying to hide something behind his back. "How nice to meet you here!"

She frowned. "Not funny, Naruto. What are you up to?"

Naruto looked panicky, his eyes darting left and right. "N-nothing," he said in a shifty tone that practically shouted that he guilty as charged.

Sakura snorted. "Right. What's that behind your back?"

Naruto reddened visibly. "Oh, what, this? It's nothing, just some old thing tha-"

Before he could finished, she'd snatched it from him. She stared at the cover, her eyes growing large with horror and disbelief.

"Icha Icha…" she read to herself. Then she looked up at Naruto, her expression livid. "_Naruto_…"

He looked terrified. "It was nothing to do with me, I swear! I mean, well, Gaara can be kinda _clueless_ about some stuff, y'know, so I thought that maybe I could help him and stuff like that…"

Gaara, who'd been watching the exchange with interest, turned his attention to Sakura. "It's true," he said.

"Uhh…" Sakura felt her knees going weak. _Damn_… "Well," she faltered, "fine. As long as you guys don't get into trouble, or anything."

Naruto brightened considerably. "No worries, Sa- I mean, Ino-chan! I'm a man of my word!" He grinned cheerfully. Then an idea struck him. "Hey," he said, inspired. "You couldn't… well, _help_ me with something, could you?"

Sakura stared at him suspiciously. "What is it?"

"Well… what exactly are 'genitals'?"

Sakura gave him a long, careful look, while Naruto bounced eagerly.

"Why do you want to know?"

Naruto, also, had not spent all that time with Sakura without knowing, no matter how little, how to worm information out of her.

"For the love of knowledge, Sa- Ino-chan!"

"Well," said Sakura, relaxing a little, "I supposed in scientific terms they would be the pubic parts of the body, reproduction being their main purpose."

Gaara listen interestedly, while Naruto's eyes widened.

"You mean… like, balls?" he asked curiously. "And, umm, penises?"

Sakura gave a resigned sigh. "Yes, Naruto. Like balls and penises."

Gaara coughed politely.

"And, umm…"

"What, Naruto?"

"What would the term 'stimulate' mean?"

"Well, duh, it would mean to cause the occurrence of something, or to excite…" Sakura trailed off, eying Naruto suspiciously. "Why do you want to know?"

"Like I said, Ino-chan! For the love of knowledge!" Naruto grinned happily, and Sakura could not shake off the feeling that she'd done something terribly, terribly stupid…

Naruto then gave an ungainly snigger, flicked the book in his hands open, and read, his voice wobbly with laughter, "C-could you stimulate my genitals for me…"

Gaara's expression at that moment was that of careful curiousity, while Sakura's was growing more and more horrified.

"…stimulate…haha… my genitals…hahaha… for me…"

And Naruto burst out laughing.

Inwardly, Sakura groaned. It was going to be a _long_ day…

* * *

Lightning Blade: Yep, you guessed right. Currently living in Brunei, though. Laksa rocks!

* * *

A/N: This actually happened to me- the boys in my class being somewhat English-impaired. I suspect that they've been watching Love Guru, or something. And then, when a couple of them asked me, I answered – for the love of knowledge, right?- and they made their other unsuspecting friend quote what they said to me. Was I ever so mortified.

I wondered if it was a bit too OOC of Sakura to go all blah on the evil twin front. But oh well.

Probable sequel. Reviews will be delightful.


	5. Cliches

A/N: Should warn you guys. Lame cliché ahead.

The plot is moving on.

* * *

It was a regular Sunday afternoon, and Sakura was minding (babysitting) Naruto and Gaara, who were currently in the park, the former of which was currently demonstrating to the latter the unproven fact that if you held a duck upside down in the pond for long enough, poop will come out through the other end.

Cruelty to animals aside, Sakura really couldn't care less. She'd grown tired of explaining to Naruto that the first time it happened was pure coincidence, that the poor duck was probably in dire need of emptying its bowels in the first place, and when it did, was simply a sort of panic reflex that generally happens when one finds oneself inverted with one's head in the water. Of course, he didn't listen.

Besides, mused Sakura as she watched Naruto being attacked by a flock of very angry ducks, it seemed as though the birds had the matter well in hand.

"Oi! Gerroff me, stupid birds! Gaara! Someone! Help!!"

There was a loud splash as he fell into the pond, arms flailing around.

Sakura heaved a sigh. The two had gotten into all sorts of trouble the past couple of days, and had developed quite a reputation. The good citizens of Konoha had given them – her included- a wide berth.

This was not fair at all.

She'd been lucky, considering the fact that Naruto _was_ the most mischievous prankster of all time, and Gaara generally followed him around with a politely blank look on his face, Icha Icha Paradise- surely he hadn't read it. God forbid.- tucked under one arm. Although her presence had not been enough- in most cases- to prevent a disaster, it at least stopped matters from worsening.

_Like,_ she thought dully,_ the time Naruto tried to get Gaara to wear that bikini._

She didn't want to talk about it.

Matters on the Ino-Sakura front weren't faring any better. Ino floated around calling herself Oni, and it was with a tinge of exasperation when Sakura pointed out to her that it was a really transparent disguise, seeing as her alias was only her real name spelled backwards. Naruto wasn't any better, forgetting to _not_ call her by her real name half the time, and spending the other half starting out with her name and then abruptly switching it to Ino.

And some others, such as, say, Kiba, did not even bother. They just called her by her name right to her face. Occasions when _that_ happened generally prompted a blush on Sakura's part, and the Kazekage to stare politely- but pointedly- in her direction.

In fact, by the way things are going, it was a miracle that Gaara had not just turned up on her doorstep and Sabaku Sousou-ed her into the next existence.

Sakura sighed deeply as Naruto clambered out of the pond dripping wet, sporting a considerable number of beak marks, while Gaara looked on, mildly amused.

They walked over to her, Naruto scowling as he messed with his hair.

"Fucking ducks. If it hadn't been for the pond, I would have beat the crap outta them! Believe it!"

Sakura snorted , giving him a great whack on the head. "You moron. If you'd listened to me in the _first_ place…"

"Oww, that hurt. Anyway," he grinned, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "I'm hungry. How bout if you treat me to some ramen?"

Sakura groaned, and hit him again. "_No_, Naruto. Didn't I buy your ramen yesterday? And the day before that? _And_ the day before that? I'm dead broke. Pay it yourself."

He resorted to his wheedling voice. "Aww c'mon, Saku- Ino. I haven't had a mission in quite a while… and I'm broke too! See?" He demonstrated his poverty by turning his purse inside out.

"No means _no_, dumbass. Find someone else to treat you."

Naruto grinned suddenly, and turned to the Kazekage. "_Hey_, Gaara," Naruto went. "How bout _you_ treat us to some ramen? I mean, you must make a lot, you being the Kage and all. Right? Aww c'mon, pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasewithcherriesontop?"

"Kazekage-sama has better things to do than treat you to dinner, Naruto," Sakura reprimanded hastily. "I mean, he must have loads of meetings and stuff."

_Oh, God. I do _not_ want another dining experience with him. It might spark his memory, or something… Or he might just try to look up my dress. Well, more fool him, I'm wearing my shorts._

"I'm okay with it," said Gaara warily.

_Omigod! Save me, somebody!! I'm too young to die!! _

Naruto brightened. "Now that's something I wanna hear! What are we waiting for, let's go!! Sa- Ino, you coming?"

Sakura jumped. "Uhh, yeah, sure," she stuttered out, and followed them.

* * *

It was with an expression of horrified fascination as she watched Naruto gulp down his fifth bowl of ramen. She had finished hers a long time ago, and Gaara had not deigned to eat at all. She privately wondered if the Kage could afford the bill.

She shot a furtive look at him. He was looking at Naruto impassively, green eyes wide with curiosity.

_You know,_ she thought,_ once you get past the shock of seeing him, he really _is _kinda hot… That wild mane of red hair, those mysterious eyes, that dangerous smirk, those _gorgeous _lips- okay, eww, what am I thinking?_ She mentally slapped herself. _Eww! You're talking about Sabaku no Gaara, demonic killing machine, murderer, perv, asshole, dickhead, jerk and everything else in between…_

_But you gotta admit, those are some sexy abs…_

His eyes flicked upwards, away from the disgusting spectacle that was Naruto and his ramen. She could just drown in those icy green depths…

Wait. He was looking… straight at her!

Sakura started, and fumbled with her dress, looking at anywhere else but him. Her heart began beating hard and fast, and she felt a blush creep slowly up her face.

_Damn it. He can't have made the connection, could he? Between me and, umm, the other me? _

She sneaked another look at him. His eyes were still on her. She looked back down at her knees, fidgeting nervously.

_He's seriously making me uncomfortable… Wait. What if that was what he wanted to do all along?_

Furious, she looked back up into his jade eyes.

_Two can play at _that_ game._

What followed after that was a prolonged period of silence, where the two of them conducted a little staring match of sorts above the happily oblivious Naruto, Sakura glaring furiously while trying not to blink, Gaara watching.

A minute later, she gave up. Eyes watering, she blinked several times before demanding, "Well, fuck, what are you looking at?"

Naruto jolted at the sound of his best friend swearing. "Huh? What're you saying, S-Ino?"

Gaara gave her a blank stare.

"Well?!" she shrilled. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

He spoke slowly. "You were looking at me."

"Is that an accusation? That _sounded_ pretty much like an accusation to me! For your information, I was _not_ looking at you! Trying to make me uncomfortable, huh? Trying to push me, so I'll divulge my secret!!"

Naruto blinked. "Whoa, Sakura. I mean, Ino," he added hastily. "Calm down. Gaara doesn't mean anything by staring at you."

"Doesn't he? DOESN'T HE?! Trying to look up the front of my dress again like last time, you perv!!"

Oops. She probably shouldn't have said that last bit.

Sakura's hand flew to her mouth. "Umm, I mean…"

If Gaara had eyebrows, he would have raised them. Instead, he opted for staring at her with a politely curious expression.

She flushed red. "Umm, what I _meant_ was, umm…" She could practically feel the wheels in her brains turning, turning… She brightened. "What I meant was, my twin and I, you know, Sakura, haha, we happen to, well, occasionally, share, umm, experiences! Yeah! Which is, like, when something happens to her, I sorta can, you know, _see_ it from her point-of-view, so yeah, we can sorta _share _visions…haha…"

She gave a pathetic little laugh that would have been listed as No. 1 in the history of pathetic little laughs.

Then an idea struck her.

It was pure, absolute, _genius._

Shikamaru should just bow at her feet right now.

She grinned. "Well, eh, what I meant was, truly, in fact, umm, my twin and I, we sorta… share bodies! It's actually this sort of really really really rare syndrome called the, umm, Dual Personality Syndrome…" She laughed weakly. "AndI'llappreciateifyoukeepthisasecret,Idon'twantanyoneelsetoknowaboutthis…" she said the last part in a rush.

Naruto's mouth fell open.

Which was actually, if you think about it, not a sight for the faint-hearted, what with all those half-chewed noodles hanging in there screaming to be rescued.

Gaara coughed politely. "I'll take your word for it."

Sakura groaned inwardly. Someone shut her big fat mouth.

* * *

She wanted to get things straight.

She _never _intended it to happen like that.

She never intended it to happen, period.

Oh, the _embarassment…_ She would never hear the end of it.

Well, okay. It was Monday morning, Picture Haruno Sakura, bright and pink and beautiful. Picture Naruto, Kiba, Lee, Shikamaru, Choji and a disinterested Neji huddled together, talking in whispers.

Picture the oh-so-hot-Sabaku no Gaara, standing a certain distance away from them, his Icha Icha Paradise book tucked under one arm.

Well, she _had_ to go over to them. Because when the boys are huddled together like that, it's obvious that they were up to no good. Especially when Naruto was involved.

It set her lady sensors tingling, and she walked up to them.

Stupid, stupid choice.

Well, anyway. She tapped on Naruto's shoulder and went casually, "Hey. What up, guys?"

Everyone jumped, which _definitely_ proved her theory on them being up to no good. Practically everyone –except Neji, who looked even more forbidding- developed an extremely guilty look upon their faces, and she distinctly saw Kiba tuck something into his jacket.

"Well?" she asked sweetly. "What're you guys up to?"

They glanced shiftily at each other. Naruto replied, "Uhh… nothing, Sa-Ino-chan! We were, umm, just discussing!"

"_Right_," she drawled, drawing out the syllable to show that she did not believe him one iota. "About _what,_ may I ask?"

Shikamaru sighed. "What a pain."

Lee grinned, and gave her a thumbs-up. "Oh, the power of youth! We, the youthful ones, are planning to-"

Kiba elbowed him, and he went silent. "What we guys do, _Sakura_," he drawled. "is, I believe, none of your business."

Sakura snorted, but casted a nervous glance over her shoulder at where Gaara stood, looking indifferently at the Icha Icha Paradise he was currently holding, before turning back to shoot Kiba a nasty look.

"God," she went. "Whatev. I personally think that-"

However, no one got to know what exactly it was that she thought, for at that moment, there was a small, but infinitely disturbing, explosion.

Everyone stood, stunned.

Then everyone caught a whiff of the pungent odor that wafted past their noses, and began to run madly away at the highest possible speed, most of them shouting at Naruto.

"Ughh… ramen-flavoured fart!"

"Naruto, you dickhead!"

"What, you saying that I'm the only one here with an ass hole, huh?"

"No, but you're the only one whose flatulence smells like that!"

Sakura, who was rooted to the spot, raised a hand and placed it delicately over her nose.

And ran.

And who did she have to run right into, but Sabaku no Gaara.

Sakura gasped as she tripped, and placed her hands on his chest in a vain attempt to steady herself, which effectively caused him to fall, too-

_Ohnoohnoohno…_

In the few miliseconds that passed as they fell together, she saw his eyes widen with astonishment.

And then…

"Holy crap."

The boys had come back from wherever they'd escaped from, and were gathering around the two of them.

"Dude." Kiba's voice. "Do us a favour and mack where others don't see, okay? Jesus."

Sakura's eyes fluttered open, and she found herself staring into another pair of very wide, very startled eyes.

She flung herself upright. "Oh my god!" She gasped. "Y-you… you…" she pointed at Gaara, her eyes wide with horror. She stuttered for a while, trying to pronouce a crime to horrible to contemplate.

"Sasuke-kun was supposed to be my first kiss!! And you STOLE it! I HATE YOU!!" Sakura burst into tears, before striding away furiously.

Gaara stared at her, confusion in his eyes.

There was a moment of silence.

"Way to go, mate."

* * *

**Lightning Blade**: Yep, I tried it. Only once, though. It tasted sour. And I decided to revert back to the original.

**elemental heiress**: Laksa is a local dish. Umm... it's spicy. Yeah. With noodles in it.

**Andrea Nefisto**: Hmm. Makes sense. Would probably explain why I like fish eggs- they're the only part of the fish which tastes nice to me, and if I don't eat it, I'll starve.

* * *

A/N: Yeah, I know. Awful, horrible, and absolutely OLD cliché- Accidental Kiss. I hope you'll forgive me. The way things were going, this was the only way to get them together…

And Sakura was more right about the Dual Personality Syndrome than she knew.

And yeah, probable sequel. I know, I should seriously make up my mind once and for all, but I'm a smart ass author who never burns her bridges.

Reviews will be greatly appreciated. (I think I'm improving, ne?)


	6. Bonding

A/N: Long time no see, huh? I had exams. And I lost my bet with my dad that I would be able to get full marks for at least two subjects… damn it. I was sooo close…

* * *

"Hey, Sa-Ino-chan! Over here!" Naruto raised his arms, waving to catch her attention.

Sakura, who had at that moment been walking disdainfully past the table –at where Naruto and a _certain_ redhead were currently seated- turned, and with a grim sort of fake surprise on her face, went, "Oh, hi, Naruto!" There was a slight pause, and with a cold flat tone, "Kazekage-sama." She continued, "I didn't see you guys there!"

Naruto grinned enthusiastically. "Come and sit with us!"

Sakura blinked rapidly. "Uhh, no thanks. I currently have, uhh, some research for Tsunade to do on, umm…" Sakura racked her brains, trying to come up with something plausible. "… gizzards."

_Damn. Of all things…_

Naruto blinked in confusion, while Gaara looked up. His expression was undeniably one of mild curiosity.

"Gizzards?" Naruto repeated blankly.

Sakura bit her lip. "Umm, yeah. They're these slimy things. Umm, found in chickens. And other …flying stuff."

Naruto blinked again. "You mean birds?"

She looked somewhat desperate. "Yeah, the ones that go squawk and fly and poop eggs. Well, you know. Anyway, Igottagetgoingnowsoseeyabye!"

"But Sakura, what's that in your hand?"

Sakura froze in her retreat, and stared down blankly at the bag she was currently holding. "What, this?" She gave a nervous little laugh. "Oh, nothing! Just some, umm, sushi I packed…"

Naruto brightened. "Hey, that's great! Sit and have lunch with us! C'mon, Granny Tsunade wouldn't mind."

"Well… this sushi, umm, it isn't for me! It's umm… I packed it for the chickens. On the account of how I'm going to, umm, borrow their gizzards to research and all…"

_Making sushi just to feed some __stupid birds? _He blinked for several more times while his brain tried to processed the information.

He gave up.

"Aww, c'mon, Sa-Ino! Just sit with us for a few minutes. I'll share my ramen with you," he added. Very selflessly, he thought. She couldn't resist ramen. She just couldn't.

Sakura bit her lip, her eyes flicking to the stubbornly emotionless figure next to him. "I don't know…"

"C'mon, Sakura! You can't say no to ramen," and before she knew it, she found herself being herded to the seat right opposite Sabaku no Gaara, who was looking at her with those green, green eyes of his.

She glared very pointedly at his direction, and turned her head to look the other way.

Gaara looked politely blank.

A few minutes later, she decided he probably hadn't gotten the message. She gave him another decidedly bad-tempered scowl.

He still looked blank.

Starting to feel a little infuriated, she turned back to him, and shot him a death glare.

Still nothing. Damn it, what did it take to get under his skin? Okay, wait… was he _smirking_?!

Thoroughly annoyed now, Sakura turned and began to stare at him with the most dangerous, barbaric, I-am-so-gonna-_kill_-you expression that she could manage.

Seconds ticked by.

Gaara was growing more and more amused.

_What is it that she wants?_ He wondered.

Finally, after several minutes of constant, non-stop glaring, she gave up, -he was obviously an expert.- and opted for ignoring him in the most pointed way possible, which was staring in the opposite direction with a look of stubborn determination on her face.

After several more minutes of silence, with Sakura radiating a very distinct killer aura, she took a peek at the Kazekage.

Hmm, he wasn't looking at her any more. Instead, he was perusing Icha Icha Paradise with a look of dogged determination that was beginning to worry her. She watched as his eyes roved over the page, his brow distinctly furrowed. Then, at certain parts, his eyes would widen considerably, and he would reread that part again with a very _interested_ expression.

Definitely very worrying stuff. Who knew what _tips_ he was picking up in there?

Okay, wait. Tsunade hadn't assigned her to this babysitting job for nothing. In fact, what she was currently witnessing –Gaara reading a dirty novel and actually _learning_- was probably in Class A of Things That Are Not, Strictly Speaking, Allowed To Happen.

She didn't want to think about the consequences when Gaara returned to Suna with a, well, _refined_ view and somewhat more expansive knowledge on sexual overtures. He would probably have some decrees made on the subject. And, knowing Gaara, question an unfortunate female about it. Sakura winced inwardly.

In fact, it was practically her _job_ to stop this. Baki, after all, would not be happy with what his young charge was up to while he wasn't around. Gaara'd received a lot of odd looks and raised eyebrows from other council members as it was.

"That's it," she announced loudly. "I'm confiscating this." And she reached over and plucked the offending novel out of Gaara's hands.

He didn't look very happy.

"Hey, Saku-Ino!" Naruto whined. "Why'd you go and do that?"

"_Because_," she said acidly, pointing a finger at Gaara, "it is not good for him. Completely inappropriate reading material."

"Aww, c'mon…"

"Don't you 'aww, c'mon' me, Naruto," she said. "I said no. He's not reading stuff like this any more, not on my watch." To herself, she added, _He'll probably be… picturing it all in his mind. In a very graphical sort of way. Not good._

"And that's that." She finished, and got up to go. "Well, gotta run. The, umm, chickens are waiting."

And, heedless of Naruto's protests, she stalked off, the orange book tucked under one arm.

* * *

"So, what are we gonna do?"

Naruto frowned, looking around his apartment, where most of the male members of the Konoha Eleven, plus Gaara, were gathered, along with several bags of goodies –which definitely included ramen- and stacks of CDs. Another edition of Icha Icha Paradise, newly purchased, sat in a corner, and every now and then, the boys would give it nervous glances.

"I dunno," Naruto said. "I've never done this kind of thing before."

Kiba, lazing on the couch with Akamaru in his lap, said, "You moron. Weren't you the one who came up with the suggestion to hold this "Boys' Night Out" thing in the first place?"

Naruto scratched his head. "Well, yeah… but I dunno. We're supposed to show Gaara what it takes to be a _man_… and become a babe-magnet."

Lee gave a thumbs-up, ignoring Shikamaru's murmurs of 'how troublesome'. "We are going to show Gaara-kun the true meaning of _youth_!"

Gaara frowned. "I don't get it. Why is it so important?"

Kiba snorted. "Yeah, right. Besides, he's already a magnet enough, he's got a fanclub extending all the way to Konoha."

Naruto grinned. "Well, maybe Gaara could teach us some tricks…"

All eyes turned to Gaara, who began to radiate waves of killing intent.

Naruto laughed hastily. "Uhh, never mind. Hey, how bout we try out some of the poses described in Icha Icha Paradise?"

There was a silence of undeniable assent as all eyes in the room turned to look reverentially at the book on its shrine of junk food.

"That sounds like a wonderfully youthful idea!" Lee cried cheerfully.

Naruto frowned. "Hmm. Only… we don't have a _girl_ to practice 'em on…"

Sai said, "Well, I would suggest having a replacement, someone who looks passably feminine enough for it to work."

Everyone turned to look at Neji, who had been sitting rigidly at the other end of the couch. He stiffened.

"Don't you _dare_…"

* * *

"So, Forehead, how's it going on the Gaara front?"

Sakura glanced over to where her best friend Ino, currently know as Oni, sat, fanning her newly painted nails.

She seriously did not get the deal with her friend. The girl was a _ninja_. She couldn't afford to have pretty nails and manicures and pedicures every week. She didn't even need them.

Sakura said as much, but Ino waved it away. "Oh well, you know. If you're gonna go, might as well go in style. I don't wanna march into heaven and have my dear deceased auntie see the state of my nails. She might throw a fit." Ino's aunt had been a very, well, _fashionable_ woman. "Besides, who knows? The other shinobi might sympathize with me when I say I don't want to get into a fight in case I ruin my nails. And maybe they might want me to help give them a manicure, too. Anyway, back to the topic. How come you aren't dead yet?"

Sakura rolled her eyes, her voice dripping in sarcasm. "Thanks for your support, Ino. You're _such_ a wonderful friend." She sighed, and flipped until she was lying on her back. "Well… I dunno. I don't think he knows yet. I just hope it continues being that way."

Ino gave her nails a final blow, and threw her a wink. "Ehh, and you decided to press your advantage, didn't you? Good choice, though I personally think he can be a tad too homicidal. Like Sasuke-kun, actually. Only more, you know, hard. And stuff."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Ino grinned mischievously, and waggled her eyebrows. "Come on, don't play all innocent with me. I heard it all from Shikamaru. You _kissed_ him! And you didn't even tell me? Your first kiss!"

Sakura glowered at her friend. "Don't talk to me about that. I'm freaking pissed, just thinking about it."

Her friend raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

A frustrated sigh. "You know me. You know how I was saving up my first kiss, right? For Sasuke-kun."

Ino rolled her eyes. "God, don't tell me you still aren't over that, you and Naruto. How long will you two take to realize it? He's not coming back, not ever. And if he does… well, he'd have changed. He won't be the Sasuke you knew when you were twelve, Sakura. He'll be different. And your heart still belongs to the twelve-year old Sasuke."

Sakura frowned at the ceiling. "I dunno. Maybe you're right. It's just that… well, accepting that he's really gone, that he really never cared… it's hard, Ino. It's just so hard."

"You'll get over it, girl. Though Gaara isn't exactly the choice I would have picked. I mean, he lives in Suna, after all. Couldn't you have picked someone closer to home?"

Sakura shot Ino a glare. "It's nothing like that! That kiss was… an accident."

"An accident?!"

"Yeah, an accident. Well, I was sort of running, because Naruto sort of _farted_, and…" she recounted the rest of the story to an increasingly bemused Ino.

"… and then I got up and screamed at him and ran away." She finished. "It was so embarrassing! What could I do?"

Ino burst out into hysterical giggles. When Sakura threw her a disgusted look, she held her hands up in defense, still giggling. "I'm not laughing at you, honest! It's just that, well, when you two have kids, you could go and say, 'Uncle Naruto's fart was what brought us together.' Won't that be _cute_?" Ino chortled with laughter.

Sakura glowered. "Yeah, right. Cute, my butt. It was completely accidental! And now I never, ever want to see him ever again."

Ino, who had managed to control her laughter, went, "Not exactly easy, my dear sweet ignorant friend. In case you haven't noticed, the Fifth has pretty much put you in charge of those two."

Sakura replied gloomily. "…yeah."

"Still, Forehead." Ino giggled. "How did it feel?"

She raised an eyebrow. "How did what feel?"

"The kiss, forehead!" When she looked on in amazement, Ino continued, "Do you realize how many girls would want to make out with Gaara? Face it, girl, he is _mad_ hot. Totally sexy. De-_lish_! Though I can't say much for his sanity. I personally would have used every possible opportunity to jump his bones and give him a blowjob."

Sakura, lost in thought, vaguely made a face in response. Really, her friend could be so… perverted sometimes.

How _did_ it feel? Sakura raised a hesitant hand to her lips, her face reddening a little. She hadn't exactly felt anything, not having the time to think. It all happened so suddenly. Then she'd gotten flustered, and began yelling.

But at that moment when their lips had met contact, she'd felt pure, unadulterated bliss. She remembered staring into his eyes, getting lost in their green, green depths. She'd felt a spark of static, of attraction, shooting through her and sending her stomach fluttering.

And judging by the way his eyes widened, he must have felt it, too.

Though it could just have been shock. Either because of her, or the pungent odor that had emerged from Naruto's rear end. Let's face it, it wasn't completely improbable. She'd smelt enough of Naruto's farts to know.

"Forehead? Hey, Billboard Brow!"

Sakura blinked, surfacing from her thoughts. Ino was waving a hand in front of her face.

"What?"

Ino grinned mischievously. "I knew it- I _knew_ it! You went all flustered and dreamy there when I mentioned the kiss. I was right- you _are_ falling for him!"

Sakura blushed. "Shut up, Pig! I am not!"

_Was she?_ She asked herself. _Was she really?_

"You love him! You looove him!!"

"God, no! Shut your fat trap, bitch!"

_Did she? Did she love him?_

Of course not. It was a stupid thought. Her heart belonged to Sasuke-kun.

Yet…

She remembered that moment, when she was falling through the air, her hands on his chest. Her eyes met his, and she could feel the beating of his heart quicken. And when his lips brushed hers, emotions shot through her, and her heart pounded…

_Maybe. Just maybe._

"Hey, Forehead!"

Sakura snapped out from her reverie. "What?"

Then she saw her friend holding the forbidden, disturbingly orange book with a dangerously gleeful expression.

"Where the hell did you get this?!"

* * *

A/N: If you're wondering about the Sasuke bit… Hell, I went and read the manga. Took me ages, but I finished. Itachi's last words to his brother… and that soft, sad smile… His expression was full of love. It made my heart break. And I cried.


End file.
